Spiral out. Keep going. [entries|friends|calendar] a Wraith [ website | 'cause you're a myspace whore too ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I think the finish line's a good place we could start. [30 Aug 2006|10:41pm] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | L.A. Woman, The Doors ] "I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go." -Theodore Roethke Today Hawaii felt a little more like home. I went to oceanography class, and for the first time in a long time, I was able to retain information from a lecture. Skipped Spanish (shouldn't have!) because I felt like roadkill- my effing sinuses are STILL clogged and dripping and making me miserable.  Proceeded to score a little ganj off of Emma who seems to have it in abundance (yay!) and who also has a hook-up so when I get a job and make money and buy my own piece I can start smoking regularly (something that'll also help the homey feeling.....) Then after grazing (also something I shouldn't have done!) on Triscuits and cream cheese, Moneque took me with her to visit a friend who stays in air-conditioned dorms.  It's been really awesome having a roomate who cares enough to let me hang out with her and her friend(s).  We made plans to go shopping tomorrow and eventually make a trip out to the beach this weekend.  It's Moneque's birthday on Saturday so I know I'm going to have a pretty eventful one. Have yet to find other 21-year-olds to go out bar-hopping with, but it's still pretty early on in the semester. Dave and I have been talking on the phone every night.   Before I left last Saturday night, he said the 3 words that just make every girls heart melt........... He loves me. He loves me. He freaking loves me. This is so cool! Now my thoughts are not only occupied with doing well academically and getting aquainted with life on an island, but also with my baby boy coming out here to visit.  My (amazing) mother offered to let him use a pass.  Thank you, mommy.  (Miss her terribly as well!!!!!!!!!!) Dave's been working hard to save money.  He says he wants to look for a job out here so we can start a new life together. Normally, I'd be convincing myself that these are just words and that he's just saying them to apease me, but you know, what if this is what's in store for me right now?  What if he does love me enough to move out here and be with me?  It's what I've wanted since childhood.  Someone to call my own.  Now that I have him, the doubts are killing me!  I don't know how to relax and let things take their course.  I want to believe him.  I want to believe he's my prince charming and that two lost souls can find each other and make a life in a fucked-up fishbowl. I trust him.  He's proved on many occasions his respect for me.  Not to mention his adoration, which only makes me want him more! Until the beginning of August, I was alone.  More alone than I had ever felt before.  I had my friends and family offering tremendous support and unconditional love ( and I thank them endlessly for it) but I knew I had to make this journey alone. Then Dave came into my life. Skepticism grew to understanding. Which grew to respect. Which grew to an attatchment. Stronger than I have ever felt for anyone. And even though our feelings developed  fast, and we were robbed of most of our getting-to-know-you phase, I still have faith in our relationship. I see us growing into something resilient to time zones and miles of ocean. The future for David Lucas and Kristian Marie is bright, sunny and includes many a Hawaiian rainbow. 2 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

Darkness remains the hardest thing to outrun. [19 Aug 2006|04:21pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Level by The Ranconteurs ] I miss my mom. My family. Friends. David Lucas. I want to be adjusted. I want to be able to waltz around campus knowing exactly where I'm going. I want friends here. I want to be instantaneously adjusted. I realize these things take time. Moving 3,000 miles away from home cannot be easy for anyone. Just like in California though, I'm beginning to experience violent feelings of second-guessing. Is Hawai'i the right place for me? Should I continue on with Marine Science despite my poor math background? Am I homesick enough to move back... again? No easy solution awaits me. I have to "figure it out on my own" and "give it some time." Why do people offer such inhospitible replies to heartache? "Oh, you'll find your way eventually." Yeah, thanks. I already know that. What I'm looking for is something to numb the pain while I'm finding my way. What can I do about that? Eh, I guess it's not all that bad. I start classes on Monday so at least then I'll be forced to meet other students. And this place really is beautiful. There are so many places I've yet to explore. I wanna share the adventure. I really DO want Dave to come here. A visit for starters, but I really don't think I'd mind him moving here to be with me. The whole idea is insane, but it's me we're talking about here. I've always been an unpredictable girl. Woman. Whatever. I think about him all the time... which scares me. I think about everyone back home all the time. And I've only been gone 3 days. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm very uncomfortable but I know I'll ease into a lifestyle here eventually. I'm incredibly homesick but I know I'm strong enough to not let that ruin my fun here. It all boils down to faith. And strength. And positivity. Three qualities that I have learned how to capitalize on quite well during the past 3 months. If anyone wants to write to me, I would just adore that! Kristi Bowman 2591 Dole St. Apt. G107 Honolulu HI 96822 turntables and a microphone .

Lessons. [03 May 2006|10:17am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | "Right in Two" by TOOL ] First off, can I just say how incredible the new TOOL album is????? Okay good. It's incredible. Every time I hear it I like it more and more. Move over, Lateralus, 10,000 Days is closing in on you. -------------------------------- Last night and very early this morning I learned what it means to have to fight for what you want. I was amazed at how subtly persuasive I have become-- I can really convince people to do things without having to make a huge production. This is certainly a skill I have not performed well most of my life. He's going next week and that's all I care about. Still, the pessimist in me is chanting in my ear, "it's still six days away yet, he could change his mind..." In which case I shall not let those hopes float too high. Still, he said yes. Phew. Life is good today... now only if I wasn't so dehydrated. turntables and a microphone .

soaking wet [25 Apr 2006|10:13pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | "Suddenly is Sooner Than You Think," Dntel ] I'm so glad that I'm an excellent judge of character and that my "friends" are all so nice and sypathetic towards me when I'M OBVIOUSLY down and out. Oh andbytheway, a special thanks to my own mother and father who think I'm "faking" this shit and thanks for telling me to shut up. I really and trully appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I just absolutely love getting kicked when I'm down. And you know, you know ALL about my misery lately. You'd think it was you having the bad days, not me. I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER thought I'd say this, but I am dissapointed in you guys. I really thought you could do me no wrong. Yet once again, I play the part of the fool. I'm holding ticket number 2,999,098,098,763,09734 and my guardian angel's only on number 123,483. Hahahhahaha. He said he feels bad. Hahahahahahahha. Fuck you. 1 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

O A H U ! [25 Mar 2006|10:08am] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | Always Love by Nada Surf ] First-timer here. I can almost smell that sea breeze. (But first I'll be smelling that lovely smog in L.A.--- BLEGH!) Yes I am going to Hawai'i tomorrow morning. Yes I am going to be visiting UHM. Yes I am way excited. Hope I get on with it... 2 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

[08 Mar 2006|10:20pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Lovedrug ] I'm sick of being lonely. 2 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

Humagination [22 Feb 2006|08:15pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | "Farmer Chords" by Benjamin Gibbard & Andrew Kenny ]    And maybe our dreams aren't supposed     to have any meaning    Why cannot we trust our intuition?    And bleed prevention from our wounds? Our souls we sell for comfort And secrets are what we choose.     And maybe our dreams aren't supposed     to have meaning Maybe there are only trees and grass and sky Life is more than just a reason why. Why cannot we feel our hearts beating? And bleed content through our pores? Our joy we trade for position  While we tolerate our growing sores.     And maybe our dreams aren't supposed     to have meaning turntables and a microphone .

On February 2nd, 1985... [02 Feb 2006|12:47am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | "Lover's Spit" by Broken Social Scene ] ...exactly 21 years ago today, Kristian Marie Bowman was born to Karen and Ken Bowman at Resurrection Hospital in Chicago, IL at approximately 5 p.m., arriving just in time for dinner. Kristian was a calm baby; a trait that would progress into a laid-back attitude for life. As a child, some of Kristian’s daily activities included playing with her extensive Barbie collection, obsessing over the New Kids on the Block at sleepovers with best pal Andrea Coca and watching Disney’s Cinderella multiple times in one day. She soon acquired somewhat of a tomboy personality, playing t-ball and soccer on the weekends and preferring to play “butts-up” with the boys at recess. Kristian learned to swim very early on in life and by the time she was six years old was told she could no longer attend swimming lessons at Independence Park because she had already passed through all levels of instruction. Thus began Kristian’s passion for water. Sometime later, she decided she wanted to become a marine biologist, after falling in love with the ocean near her grandparent’s home in Flagler Beach, Florida. At age eight, Kristian’s parents decided to move her and her sister Robyn, brother Andrew and themselves from the Chicago neighborhood of Mayfair Park to the northwest suburb of Mount Prospect. Once there, she attended Fairview elementary school and continued to play all types of sports including basketball and softball. Still, her true talent could only be found in the pool. For years, Kristian proudly swam for the Lattof YMCA Neptunes Swim team. Her years at Lincoln Jr. High quickly came and went, leaving only pain in Kristian’s heart—for she was one of few that had been blessed with maturity at such a young age, and unfortunately had endured some hard times, (she felt no one understood her) because of it. After graduating the 8th grade in 1999, Kristian started off her freshman year at Prospect High School as a member of the Prospect Marching Knights. The marching band she was a part of throughout high school was no ordinary marching band. The Knights were (and still are) among the top 20 high school bands in the nation. With such a reputation, it didn’t take long for Kristian to realize that hard work, sacrifice and a lot of dedication lie before her. After swimming competitively for nearly eight years, one of which in high school, she decided to hang up her bathing suit and make music the main focus of her extracurricular activities. A decision that would later bring her to face regret. Although she played the flute for nearly 6 years, Kristian’s passion was for alto saxophone alone. She finally found courage to switch instruments and started out her junior year of high school on a good note… no pun intended. Kristian’s high school experience in general was bittersweet. After just one year of being at Prospect, she had to say goodbye to a wonderful friend—Stephanie Hartley. She and a few friends had the best going-away party ever though and made it a day to remember. Fortunately, the two still keep in touch. After freshman year though, she made friends with some very flakey girls that brought her down and consequently, Kristian became afraid to be herself. But if it was one thing she learned in high school, it was that she had no one to blame but herself for her “misfortunes.” However, Kristian did have positive relationships with people in high school. Some of which were with friends such as Ali Stasiak, Katie Johnson and Nick Abbate… who to this day remain close to her. Biology and Brit Lit were Kristians favorite subjects, though Photography and Senior Leaders (P.E.) were close seconds. Senior year was, without a doubt, Kristian’s best year in high school. She willingly and attentively attended AP Biology with Mr. Kenney. Experiencing such a class was only fuel to her burning desire to become a scientist; and more specifically a marine biologist. Kristian never dated much in high school. Her lack of self confidence and shyness played a major role in the outcome of such a predicament, but not having many decent boys to choose from also made dating a most unnerving prospect. Until she met Jan Thomas Hagen. Even though the two never actually dated, they became quick friends and Kristian was always eager to learn about his native country of Norway. When prom rolled around, Kristian was asked by a friend who turned out to be a major let-down. She decided to spend her post prom with some girlfriends and Jan talking at the top of the boat as it glided through the waters of the magnificent Lake Michigan. After four years of awkwardness, band competitions, drama with friends, new-beginnings and harsh reality checks, Kristian was finally ready to graduate and leave Prospect High School for good. Four years too late was her attitude at the ceremony. She was headed for bigger and better things in California; being committed to California State University, Monterey Bay. The summer before leaving home went quickly and was only highlighted by an opportunity to be a part of a research project for students sponsored by the Shedd Aquarium, where Kristian had been a volunteer since age sixteen. She and twenty or so young students sailed the Bahamas for six days on an 80-foot vessel, uncovering the mysteries of the Caribbean Sea. An opportunity of a lifetime for Kristian. She went on night snorkels, saw sunken ships, identified a plethora of species of fish, collected specimens from the shore and even helped Mother Earth by picking up trash on the many Cays the team visited. After being a part of something she had only dreamed of, she was more determined than ever to become a marine scientist. In August of 2003, Kristian made the transition of living at home to dorm life with 6,000 strangers. While at CSUMB, she met one of the most important people in her life. Alison Mott, now Alison Halsey. The two were instant bff’s. They did everything together and some of their activities included: attending a Hanson concert, ditching class to make the 20-minute drive to Santa Cruz, driving around the bay area with roommate Sam, and dining at the prestigious Otter Bay Café for lunch every Tuesday. Alison even took Kristian to see Travis in San Francisco… they stood at the front of the stage. Though Kristian valued her friendship with Alison very much, it was not enough to make her completely happy at CSUMB. Soon, Kristian started questioning her motives for staying another year. She hated how things were done at the school and the fact that there didn’t seem to be any sense of community among the other students. It didn’t take long for Kristian to decide that she would move back home and start over. Ironically, Alison was going to be moving back home to Fresno. The last few days spent in beautiful Monterey, CA were some of Kristian’s favorites. Once back home in dreary old Illinois, Kristian enrolled at Harper Community College, decided to get her general education requirements out of the way, and the apply to a school out west were she really wanted to be. Kristian made it through her first year back home with the help of two very special friends. Meagan and Matt. The three had some very good times together… some “high” times if you will. Kristian pulled off a 3.5 GPA and worked at Dick’s Sporting Goods for the better part of a year. Even though Kristian had the unconditional love and support from her incredible parents and the company of good friends, nothing could keep her from feeling a sense of longing for a different life. A life near the ocean. After battling roller-coaster depression for months, she decided to seek the counsel of a professional. It didn’t take long for Kristian to realize that she indeed was not meant, nor was she ever meant to live here in the middle of the country, thousands of miles from any shoreline. She made up her mind to stay another semester at Harper and apply to the University of Hawaii at Manoa (where she originally wanted to go to college) for the fall of 2006. These days, Kristian keeps herself occupied by working part time at a local florist, appropriately named Kabloom Flowers. She keeps her creative juices flowing by painting mostly minimalism on canvas. Some of her latest accomplishments include “The Poo,” which she graciously gave to her awesome friend Meagan. She also feeds her ever hungry mind with literary works like J.R.R. Tolkien’s series, The Lord of the Rings and her favorite adventures in National Geographic Magazine. Kristian’s love for music began the minute she was old enough to hear sound. She keeps this love alive on a daily basis by rarely ever having a minute of her day go by without listening to rock’n’roll. Lately her favorites include Led Zeppelin, The Who, Sigur Ros, Radiohead, The Allman Brothers Band, Incubus and 311. Kristian has big plans for her 21st year of existence. Now being of legal age to drink alcohol, she will be spending most of her time at the many Blues, Jazz and Reggae bars in the glorious city and her sweet home of Chicago. Kristian also plans on getting a better paying job, saving money and moving herself out to Honolulu to fulfill her destiny of becoming a Biological Oceanographer. Kristian would like to thank the following people, places and things from the bottom of her heart for being there for her when she was in need: Mom and Dad- for never letting me fail myself and truly believing in me when most would tell me I’m only a dreamer; Robyn- my baby sister- I love you so much and I want you to know you’ll never be without my love and counsel- I wish only the very best for you; Andrew-the brodel- I love you- you bring so much joy and laughter to my spirit- always remember this--- YOU CAN DO ANYTHING; to Alison Halsey- thank you so much for being a part of my life- you have no idea how much you and Jeff mean to me- I miss you so much- and thank you for thinking of me at your wedding; to my dear Ali- where do I even start???? -- we’ve had so many good memories together—I love you my dear friend- keep your head up, girl, better days are ahead—I’ll always be there for you, no matter when—thank you for being my friend; to Meagan—are there even words I can use to thank you? I suppose not. I love you. Thank you for letting me spend so much time at your apartment, and in your car…. Hahhaha. If only a certain someone wasn’t such a jerk now… but anyway—we’ll always be the best of friends, I just know it. Be good to Jeff, he’s a good egg; To KTJ—I want to thank you for being such an inspiration for me to leave this world better than I found it. Thank you for opening my eyes on many a political issue. Love you and can’t wait to travel with you!; to Marcos and Boris—thank you for a wonderful summer guys… you really mean a lot to me and I’m so glad I’ve met you; to Kaitlin—my other little sister—you have done so much for Robyn, and that means you’ve done so much for me—have fun while you still can girl, and take care of my sissy for me—LOVE YA!; to Charice, same thing missy! Love you! Can’t wait ‘til we drive to Florida, you’re so much fun to take on road trips!; to Andrea—my first true bff—a lot of shit has separated us lately, but I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the good times we’ve had—I’ve known you forever—I love you and I miss you and I’m sorry things haven’t been like they used to, but I want you to know I’ll always be your friend; to Nick—dude, you’re the shit—I don’t think I've ever told you this, but you’ve really taught me a lot about life—as corny as that sounds, it’s true—the talks, trips to Artemis, the conversations, the bonfires, oh the bonfires! Thanks for being yourself, it really persuaded me to finally take the plunge and do the same, and that’s a truly priceless gift; to Matt—thanks for some good times… too bad we can’t be friends anymore, but keep your head up, kid… good times are around the bend… I’m here if you ever want to talk to me. Love ya; to all the people I knew in high school and at CSUMB whether I have good memories of you or bad, thank you. You all have made me who I am today, and for that I will remain eternally in your debt. If it weren’t for the shitty things you put me through I wouldn’t be able to stand tall today to call you on it—and for those of you who gave me good memories, I am sorry we aren’t close anymore, and I want to thank you for making my life happier, really, thank you; to Pearl my Jeep—thank you for giving me the ability to fly… well, sort of… you’re the closest thing to freedom I’ve ever really experienced and those times when it’s just you and I, a cigarette and some good ol’ fashioned rocken rohl have been some of the most peaceful of my life; to Mount Prospect, Illinois and her surrounding suburbs—thank you most of all I think for making me want to get out and see my WORLD! There is so much more to life than just what’s inside your borders and I couldn’t have had the notion to explore it without you being here to restrain me—soon I shall leave you and your memory behind, for I am off to better surroundings—but thank you, dear northwest suburb, for being everything I hate about American society, really, thank you; to Lisle and Naperville, Illinois—thanks for letting Meg and I drive around in ya… we always have the best times on your streets; to the wonderful state of California—I love you and I miss you, thank you for showing me natural wonders I only dreamed of seeing… don’t worry, I’ll be back someday; to Yosemite National Park—you’re simply the most gorgeous place I have ever been, so thank you for giving me an unforgettable aesthetically pleasing experience; to my bedroom—thank you for holding all my beautiful things… you truly are my sanctuary; to Led Zeppelin—thank you for your incredible power to change any negative mood I may have into an instantly positive one… I am obsessed with you; to The Who—same freaking thing; to Jimmy Page and Roger Daltrey… if only you guys were 40 years younger… thanks for being hot old guys!; to Sigur Ros—your indescribable music (if you’d even call it music—I’d call it perfection in the form of noise) has done more for me than any music ever has and ever will—thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you; and last but not least—I would like to thank God. I wish I knew for sure if you exist, but I suppose that’s all part of your mystery, huh? However, I am going to thank you for creating me. And my beautiful world. You let me investigate it, dissect it, love it, hate it, nurture it and just BE in it. Thank you. Thank you for giving me all the above people and things. Thank you for letting me be an individual and thank you for giving me the intelligence to recognize myself as such. The end. turntables and a microphone .

The ride's over, did you enjoy yourself? [13 Jan 2006|04:30pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | Incubus, "A Crow Left of the Murder" ] I am crabby today. I was crabby last night. I fear I will also be crabby tomorrow. Must be the coming of a full moon tonight... or the mystery of the notorious "Friday the 13th." Whatever it is, I am one big ball of frustration and sadness right now. Reasons I'm bitching: 1. I cannot reach him.  No matter how hard I try.  Or how hard I don't try.  Doesn't matter if I am sweet as pie to him, or a raging bitch (though I have not yet attempted to be the latter.)  I CANNOT REACH HIM.  And it makes me want to scream. 2. I am just shy of my 21st birthday and have yet to have a substantial relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  This is not something I complain about often, rather it creeps up on me at the most inopportune times.  I just want a freaking boyfriend.  It must be me.  You know?  Like I really cannot  come up with another reason.  I must have guy-repelant soaked into my skin or something.  It sucks being me.  Cause I met a cool dude the other night, and because of my curse nothing will ever come of it.  3. I have no money.  My own damn fault, right?  No.  Only partially right.  You knwo what, I don't even wanna get into this subject right now.  I need another job, have looked for said other job, have gotten no response yet.  I hate waiting. 4. I have some pretty shitty friends sometimes.  Who don't like to keep me in the loop about their lives and how I might fit into them.  I don't need a daily report, but some communication would be much appreciated. 5. I fucking give and give and give and give and give when I'm home.  I help my family out constantly.  All I ask for in return is not to be bludgeoned to death with questions and lectures about how I sleep in til noon.  (Which I don't even do... I sleep in until 10:30/11.)   And thus concludes Kristi's reasons for her recent crabbiness. So please, gimme a break guys.  We all feel like shit sometimes in our lives.   turntables and a microphone .

[09 Jan 2006|07:25pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | The Beatles, Blackbird ] Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Jimmy Page! Happy birthday to you! turntables and a microphone .

mmmmmmmmm [07 Jan 2006|03:08pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Sigur Ros, "Takk" ] Went to my favorite place in the city yesterday. Being there again was just further confirmation of what I want to do with the rest of this blessed life I live on earth.   Oh p.s.---- my wonderful, fantastic, spectacular, glorious, superb mother bought me TICKETS TO SEE SIGUR ROS ON FEBRUARY 9th (a week after I turn 21) AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!  You know you're jealous!     ( The Shedd is the next best thing to the real thing. ) turntables and a microphone .

sock and soul [31 Dec 2005|01:45pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | yes please ] The simple twang of a single electric guitar string is always enough to evoke from me a million and three different emotions at the same time. Live music especially, has the power to stir and conjulate and compile every cell in my body to form something truly other-worldy inside my soul.  It  forces me to step outside my mind... beyond the realm of my completely ordinary thoughts and opinions.  Past all hints of doubt, past all traces of fear and anxiety and pain.  Music shall be my medicine from now on.  The cure for the common human being. Drum beats and base lines and guitar solos and raspy loud vocals that sing profound lyrics are the only sounds I crave to hear.  I need it.  I need it. I am addicted and I need it.   Hear. Listen. Think. Wander. Just close my eyes and smile. Feel it move through me and inside me. Through me and inside me. Who can explain the spell it has cast over me?  Over anyone?  Can it be defined?  Can it be contained?  Examined?  Disected? No. It is pure and true and just.  And it just is. Music is our universal language.  This has been proposed before and should not be forgotten. Musicians are light and dark-skinned... they are tall and short.  Fat and skinny.  They are from Europe, Africa, America, Asia and South America.  They have soft voices and loud voices... they play guitars and flutes and drums and horns.  They share one common goal.                                    To provide the listener with the opportunity to feel something they cannot feel through every-day comings and goings or ordinary conversation or recognizable noises. Music is everything.  Everything.   2 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

[23 Dec 2005|03:03pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Mae ] "Anything" by Mae Love, it's the wave I ride That won't ever reach the shore Overwhelmed by the tide of wanting nothing more..tonight Than to take this time and make it all mine It's coming around again [Chorus] Every now and again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream The air gets clean and the seas get wider and I can do anything The pain it won't even cross my mind But there's wonder in everything The rope gets loose and the chains unbind and I can do anything Hope, it's the light that strikes that burns inside of me It's a blinding light but somehow I can see...again When I've lost my way It's becoming very clear And it's coming around again Every now and again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream The air gets clean and the seas get warmer I can do anything The pain it won't even cross my mind But it's a wonder and everyday The ropes get loose and the chains unbind and I can do anything Somewhere between the darkness and the light My spirit takes to fly The colors fill the sky And I'm free Oh-oh... It's coming around again It's coming around again It's coming around again   I frreaking love this song.  Sums it aaaallllll up.  (Made me cry earlier too.) turntables and a microphone .

tronic [22 Dec 2005|03:35pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | "Suffragette City" by David Bowie ] It was so good to be at Boris' again last night.  I spent most of this past summer in his backyard, smoking out of the "toilet" and shootin' the shit with the most random of people.  And then late August came and everyone went back to school and our good times became distant memories.  But last night--- we didn't do anything but drink Miller Lite and play with Moonyeka in the garage but somehow it was the most fun I've had in a long time.  It reminded me that I still have good friends out here and that I may not have to run away like I htought I did.  I'm comfortable here.  In my own little world.  Sure, it's kinda bleak and mundane and sorta depressing at times, but I'm comfortable.  I have had a lot of time to spend with myself this past year or so and I've made peace with so much of my past and I've learned so much about what I want in the future.  I'm scared that might go away once I move out.  I'm scared of being uncomfortable.  I'm human after all... not a super hero.    I guess it all comes down to that durn f-word.  That which I need more of.  Faith.  I gotta find some.  This winter break is going to be good though.  I can tell.  It started out really craptastic for me because I let someone get to me (I should know by now that you can't change anyone... ever) but I think if I have a few more nights like the last one, I shall be at least a semi-happy camper.  And then after break I have a couple weeks until I turn 21.  Which is reason in and of itself to celebrate.  And get sauced.  And hung-over.  Yay.  turntables and a microphone .

I no longer know either... [18 Dec 2005|11:26am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Kings of Convenince, "Homesick" ] So lately my world has been the exact definition of "topsy-turvy."  Everything I thought I knew is being challenged and I have no idea how to controll my emotions anymore.  The people in my life whom I used to trust are withering away from me like ashes blown in the wind.  There's no one left to confide in (except my little sister and Megan... God bless them, really) and I need reaasurance now more than ever.  I'm about to make a violent shove into my future in a few short months by moving to Hawai'i and I'm pretty much terrified.  But no one can console me... not entirely.  There are just some things that cannot be mended by words.  I know I have to dig for some courage I know is in me and move on with my life already.   Get rid of all those people who brought me down for so long. (Brought me down mentally I should say.)  Make some new friends.  Take some new risks.  Watch sunrises, run on the beach, fall asleep under palm trees, actually study for my classes, BECOME A BIOLOGICAL OCEANOGRAPHER already!  Do what I'm meant to do.  And just be. This has been my theme song as of late... "Homesick" by Kings of Convenience I loose some sales and my boss won't be happy But I can't stop listening to the sound Of two soft voices mended in perfection From the reels of this record that I found Everyday there's a boy in the mirror Asking me what are you doing here Finding all my previous motives Growing increasingly unclear I've travelled far and I've burned all the bridges I believed as soon as I hit land All the other options held before me Will wither in the light of my plan So I loose some sales and my boss won't be happy But there's only one thing on my mind Searching boxes underneath the counter On a chance that on a tape I'd find A song for Someone who needs somewhere To long for Homesick Cause I no longer know What home is 1 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

oh gawsh [02 Nov 2005|06:01pm] Funny how people (myself included at times) really get into this shit... Aquarius Your sign, dear Aquarius, is the eleventh of the zodiac and is considered to be the sign of perspective, the future, and new projects. The water bearer symbolizes intellectual development through communication and innovation. Of all signs, you are the most idealistic and humanitarian, with a strong sense of community and fraternity. Your ruler Uranus, the planet of change and revolution, represents originality and a strong drive for adventure and freedom. Uranus is also called the rebel planet, and its energy is radical, sudden, and unpredictable. Aquarius is the third of the three air signs, which means that your intellectuality is expressed as an intuitive grasp of universal principles, along with a concern for the universal well-being of humanity. Aquarius rules the eleventh house of the chart, the sector associated with friends and groups, intellectual pleasures, socializing, and attitude toward society. However, it also describes personal hopes and wishes, as well as collective trends and humanitarian issues. Yours is a fixed sign, which means that you resist manipulative behavior. You form your own opinion, however unusual it may be, and refuse to adapt. If someone dares to push, pull, or pressure you, they will definitely get to know your stubborn and eccentric side. Your strengths definitely are that you are accepting and sympathetic to many points of view, and are equipped to understand each of them. This wide sphere of understanding causes you to be idiosyncratic. You are an unusually independent and wildly unique individual with a profound spiritual bent. Your intuition, loyalty, and resourcefulness make you a fun person to be around. Naturally, you have some weaknesses, too, the most pronounced one being that you can be erratic in your actions. At times, you can be scattered and unrealistic, and confuse your own will with the greater will. Sometimes you can also be detached so that others see you as cold and inaccessible. turntables and a microphone .

me gusta... uhh, como se dice "pondering?" [26 Oct 2005|04:56pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Death Cab for Cutie, "Something About Airplanes" ] Trees are the shit. I concluded on my way to school this afternoon. Especially the weeping willows that stand alongside Arlington Park on the Euclid Ave. side. The branches bear golden leaves and the leaves on the smaller trees that grow under them are crimson. Just gorgeous. I'll have to take a picture of them someday. You know what else is the shit? The Chicago skyline at night. There are few scenes I have beheld that are more spectacular. It's just such a big city. And yes, I realize New York and L.A. are larger, but there's something to be said for my kinda town. Driving into it from the Kennedy at 11 at night when it appears that there are miles and miles in between the Sears Tower and the John Hancock Building just kinda stirs my soul. Kinda like some cheesey coming-of-age bullshit you'd see in a hollywood movie. Only it wasn't cheesey for me last night. I felt. I was moved. I thought. Complex thoughts. I was also coming down from a really well-deserved high, so maybe that had something to do with the sudden burst of emotion I felt swimming in my veins. On a less-poetic note, I'm leaving for Truman tomorrow. *Squeals with delight.* I plan on being completely sloshed the entire weekend. Stoned also. Andrea's got a giant trampoline in her backyard down there and you can reach me there-- in the middle of it-- bottle of Pinot Griggio in one hand, a J in the other. But I'd prefer not to be bothered... unless of course you are the boy I've secretly been in love with for 6 years-- then of course you can bother me all you like. So go ahead, have a drink on me. The occasion is simple: it finally dawned on me that I need to start living my life. Everyday just for the day. Cheers. turntables and a microphone .

late December, back in '63 [25 Oct 2005|04:45pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Bob Marley, "Lively Up Yourself" ] I'm ready to feel again. Feel something besides this loneliness that has plagued me for months. I want to cuddle up against someone who loves me and just lie there. And just be. Not have to worry about what time I need to wake up to complete projects A, B and C. Just be. BE. Be whatever I want to be. Feel whatever I want to feel. Broken-heartedness included. (Although the absence of pain would be nice.) I'm ready to feel again. To shed my numbness to the world. I'm ready to open my eyes. To appreciate the asthetics all around me. Dead leaves and rain-soaked sidewalks included. I want to give my heart to someone so they can take care of it for me. And I want to take care of someone else's for once. I want to take risks. Jump on my bed. Laugh until my stomach aches. I cannot even remember the last time that happened to me. I just want to see some unfamiliarity. Something genuine. Authentic. And maybe be a part of creating it. I just want to be. Cut off these strings that have been tying me down, and give me someone to love. Please? turntables and a microphone .

let your honesty shine... [18 May 2005|12:01am] [ mood | rejuvenated ] [ music | just for old times sake, Coheed and Cambria ] I feel like shouting out to the world, HERE I AM! "The drive" always makes me feel like that. (And I don't mean "the drive" as in 97.1 the radio station, for all my fellow Chicago area friends. I mean the drive down LSD I take when I want to clear my head and at the same time, think.) Hope everyone is as excited as I am about the coming summer. 1 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

Just one question tonight... [12 May 2005|10:45pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Stereolab ] When do I get to be the girl who stands out? 3 ♣ turntables and a microphone .

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